Chronic shame - where does it come from and how do we heal it?

VK Author

In my last blog I wrote about food addiction and shame. In this one, I'm offering a neurobiological perspective on chronic shame.

My blog Food Addiction & Shame said that shame is a state that is very self-conscious in nature and lets us know that we have an internal sense of not being enough, not being worthy, feeling disconnected.

Here, I want to expand on the nature of this shameful state, which can make us feel like we are fundamentally flawed. I’ve heard many people in addiction recovery talk about their struggles with a pervasive, chronic sense of shame. It has made me wonder WHY and HOW chronic shame develops.

I’d like to offer a perspective from a book that has been revolutionary on my personal journey of recovering from chronic shame. The book is Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame, by Pat DeYoung. Herself a therapist, this book is aimed at therapists and is quite academic, offering perspectives from relational and attachment theory, neurobiology and psychoanalysis. 

Broadly, Pat DeYoung defines chronic shame as a deeply ingrained and enduring emotional state; a pervasive sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, and self-disconnection. She says that it originates from early experiences of neglect, abuse, or invalidation. But what does she mean by that? HOW does that happen?

A lightbulb went off when, after several sessions of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy of being with some very young shamed exiles, I read DeYoung’s definition of shame. She says that ‘shame is the experience of one’s felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other’ (p. 21). In other words, shame is relational! Even though we experience a sense of wanting to isolate, disappear, go invisible, curl up inside, withdraw, be alone, away from people…it is RELATIONAL!

Let’s unpack that some more…HOW does that happen, how do I disintegrate in relation to another person? DeYoung says that this happens when there is a ‘dysregulating other’, basically a parent or caregiver who is unable to give emotional connection, be responsive and understanding towards the infant/child. The young child needs co-regulation; it needs the support and attuned presence of another person to help it contain, process and integrate its own internal emotional experiences. In DeYoung’s words ‘as an infant, when I am in an affective state of distress, or as a child, when I am feeling a rush of emotion, the other’s response fails to help me manage what I’m feeling. Instead of feeling connected to someone strong and calm, I feel alone. Instead of feeling contained, I feel out of control. Instead of feeling energetically focused, I feel overwhelmed. Instead of feeling that I’ll be ok, I feel like I’m falling apart’ (p. 24). That’s what she means by disintegration.

And how does that then translate to shame? She says that ‘acute shame accompanies this kind of experience. It’s all about needing something intensely from somebody important, and something going wrong with the interaction between us. I feel “I can’t make happen what I need from you”. If the sequence is repeated often enough so that I come to expect it, such acute shame will threaten me whenever I have strong feelings, or need emotional connection. These feelings of need and helplessness will also slide easily into a sense of being bad and wrong for needing.’ (p. 25).

I was so taken by her description of how chronic shame develops because that’s precisely what I experienced in IFS therapy. Getting in touch with these young infant parts, the ongoing needing and seeking connection, and not getting it, countless implicit memories (meaning, preverbal, non-thought, bodily, seemingly vague, unconscious inklings), of this happening over and over again. I had the profound sense of ‘I just can’t find what I need, what’s wrong with me’?

DeYoung says that chronic shame permeates every aspect of an individual's life, shaping their self-perception, relationships, and behaviours, influencing thoughts, feelings, and actions on a daily basis. In IFS language, it leads to an internal family of strong inner critics, perfectionist, avoidant and fearful parts, and of course, those compulsive and addictive parts like those using food.

So what is the solution? How do we heal this chronic shame? My answer to that is…it’s a journey. While there are many types of therapy approaches, for me personally, IFS therapy has been immensely healing. Being with those parts and actually witnessing their pain, and then being able to provide reparative compassionate attunement to them (corrective emotional experiences) has brought a lot of internal healing which has led to more external authenticity and confidence. In IFS, we say that Self, the wise innate loving entity that is me, that listens to all my parts, is the regulator of the system. And that has been my experience. The more I spend time with my young parts, I am the loving, regulating parent. I can reassure, guide, care for, all those parts, and bring in outside resources (such as trusted people, joy bringing activities) to help the system feel well. Compassion and curiosity, the key ingredients of IFS, are my recipe for healing, because they create internal peace and safety as antidotes to disintegration and dysregulation.

Categories: : Healing, Trauma