Exploring the Felt Sense of My Addiction: A Focusing + Internal Family Systems Session

Vanessa Kredler Author

This post is a transcript from a session I had with a dear therapist buddy; a glimpse into the deeper work that supports sobriety and flourishing.

Lately I’ve been drawn to writing more openly about my lived experience of addiction, and what it looks like to keep doing the deeper work that continues long after sobriety begins. This post is a transcript from a session I had with a dear therapist buddy. Together, we explored a dilemma through a blend of felt-sense focusing and Internal Family Systems (IFS)—tuning into both the sensations in my body and the parts of me that were activated.

My hope is that you’ll find something useful or resonant in this glimpse into the therapeutic process. I’ve removed any details that feel too personal to maintain safe boundaries, while still offering an honest window into my experience.

Background

About 18 months ago, menopause hit hard. My chronic digestive issues escalated, eventually leading to a bowel obstruction and forcing significant changes to my sober food plan. My body, and many of my parts, struggled with this transition.

This session included long stretches of silence, periods where I was simply sitting with what was unfolding inside, sensing and listening. What follows is an intimate look at that inner process.

Session Begins

Therapist:
Let’s start by saying hello to your system — slowly acknowledging your body and everything inside. When you’re ready, invite whatever wants to be known about this dilemma you’re facing. I don’t need to know what it is if you don’t want to share it. I’ll just invite you to focus on it and be with it.

Vanessa:
Can I describe what’s happening? Two parallel things are going on.
My body feels bloated, heavy, tired, lethargic — wanting slowness and rest.
My mind, on the other hand, has lots of pictures and future‑focused scenarios. It’s excited about the prospect of doing this thing, while the body is reluctant and can’t follow.

Therapist:
So the body feels slow and heavy, while the mind is excited and full of ideas. Maybe just acknowledge that both are here.

Food, Energy & the Retreat

Vanessa:
Part of me thinks about my Ayurvedic food plan. My Ayurvedic practitioner and I adjusted it after the bowel obstruction. He suggested reducing portions even further but so far I haven’t. This part is saying, “What you ate today wasn’t optimal. If you ate differently or drank less tea, you’d feel more energised.” That part is trying to optimise everything because of the bowel problems.

Another part — the one giving me all the visions — is thinking about whether I should go to the retreat in two weeks. It says, “If you go, you might shift this energy.”

Therapist:
So one part offers solutions through food changes, and another imagines the retreat as a way to shift things. Both are trying to help.

Vanessa:
My body is clear about what it needs: it needs to fast and rest. And we know we’ll get that in the clinic in Bali in a couple of months. The body is keen on that. But the body needs to fast now. It can’t do that much food.

But then there’s my addiction — the part that wants to keep following the food plan and extract as much as it can from it. It still wants to compensate with lots of herbal tea. And then my recovery part says, “We’re not fasting without medical support — we’ll wait for the Ayurvedic clinic in Bali.”

And the addiction part is like, “Let’s squeeze in as much as possible until then.” It disregards the body’s need for digestive rest.

Therapist:
So the body knows it wants rest and less input, and another part wants to use up everything that’s on the food plan. Just acknowledge both.

Body Dominance & the Sense of Heaviness

Vanessa:
The body is overriding everything. It’s so heavy that all the other parts get tired too.
And the body is saying, “I don’t want to go to the retreat. It’s too much. I need rest and digest.”
But there’s a small voice saying, “But you’ll miss out…”

Therapist:
So the body is asking for rest, and another part is afraid of missing out. Both make sense.

Vanessa:
My stomach feels heavy — today’s beetroot just sits there. It’s saying the food plan still isn’t right. The practitioner suggested reducing things more, and I’m reluctant. The recovery part says, “No, that’s too restrictive.” The addiction also says no, keep the volume. The body says yes, eat less.

Therapist:
There’s the body’s wisdom asking for less; and parts that resist reducing further. Just feel all of that.

The Addiction Latches onto Herbal Tea

Vanessa:
My addiction is loading up on herbal tea. It loves the flavour, the dopamine hit, the soothing heat, the swallowing, the ritual.
Herbal tea brightens my mood and makes the day easier.
The body says it’s too much; but the addiction is already planning the next cup.

Therapist:
There’s a real conflict — the body dreads more fullness, and the addictive process wants to keep running.

What does the addiction get from the tea?

Vanessa:
Soothing. Ritual. Brightness. Mood lift. A sense of movement. Something to latch onto. It’s not a “part” that wants compassion — it feels more like a wiring, a process. A hamster — scurrying, seeking, scanning. It needs something to attach to and run with.

If I imagine not giving it tea, it feels oddly liberating — but also impossible in daily life.

Therapist:
It needs attachment, ritual, something to soothe the discomfort of nothing. The nothing is too disintegrating. Annihilating.

Where it Goes if not Tea

Vanessa:
If I took away tea, it would just latch onto something else — Netflix, work, shopping.
It needs attachment. That’s the word.

Therapist:
Is there something healthier it could attach to?

Vanessa:
Yes — Spirit.
Meditation. Prayer. Silence. That’s the only thing that truly works. Not nature, not people — Spirit.

In daily life, the addiction is calmest when there is spiritual discipline: meditation, prayer, quiet time.

Therapist:
How does that land for the “hamster”?

Vanessa:
It feels good. Calm.
It accepts that Spirit won’t “fix” the addiction — but spiritual discipline is the counter‑ritual that soothes it.

A Bigger Perspective Emerges

Vanessa:
It’s becoming clear: I love my addiction. This addiction is my ticket to Spirit.
It keeps me close, prevents me from veering off.
It’s tormenting, but also the pathway.

It’s the soul longing for Spirit — and when it can’t find that, it reaches for food, tea, swallowing, anything.

Therapist:
So the addiction’s deepest longing is for union — and without that, it turns to different behaviours.

Vanessa:
Exactly. That gives me tingles. Union. Connection. It’s 100% true.

Somatic Shifts

Vanessa:
My body feels different now — more energy in my chest. My hands feel bigger. My stomach and legs feel smaller. I’m breathing deeper.

There’s also automatic swallowing. I can’t stop it — the saliva builds up and I must swallow it. Maybe this contributes to my stomach problems.

I think the saliva glands are overactive — just like my bladder, my whole nervous system. Everything is somehow over-functioning.

Therapist:
Let’s acknowledge the saliva glands and see what they want you to know.

Vanessa:
They’re wired to the addiction. The hamster seeks stimulation; the glands prepare for ingestion. They work together.

There’s something soothing in the feeling of swallowing and things landing in the stomach. It’s a process addiction - it feels deeply innate in my being. The whole process of ingesting and digesting.

Bringing Spirit to the Process

Therapist:
What happens if you bring Spirit into this?

You:
There’s acceptance: this is my lifetime’s task. Spirit won’t remove the addiction.
But spiritual discipline balances it.
Practices with others help even more.

I know this: this is my path to Spirit — not a burden, but the doorway. It’s sacred work for me. It brings me to my knees. Then it lifts me up. Many dark nights of the soul. Followed by transformation.

Closing Insights

Vanessa:
This feels complete. A deeper somatic awareness.
I’m grateful. The process was amazing.

Your gentle invitations to just focus on the body, and what is, were so refreshing.

Therapist:
I appreciate the process too. Thank you.

Categories: : Addiction, Body, Internal Family Systems, Somatic